Papa,

Where do I even begin? I’ll start with a “Happy Birthday!”.

I want to apologize for the newest shenanigan that you got mad at me for. I’m sorry. I thought that it was nothing. I thought that it was not a big deal. Not until you called me personally, an international call at that. I will accept that scolding and its consequences like I always do.

What else? I apologize for the past seventeen years of my life that I have angered you or that I have come too short. That I failed to surpass al your expectations and break your heart time and time again. All the things I did that disappointed you.

Honestly, I always felt the pressure to be perfect. To reach what I know in my abilities that I cannot. I was always envious of people who were ahead of me, envious of other kids my age who have the perfect family. To state that my failure, is all my fault. Not yours. My failure is not your fault by mine. It pains me that I strive to be at my best but along the path, I lose my way. It has happened to me more than I could count. Yet, you are still there with that patience. Which I have taken for granted my whole life, your love, which I have also taken for granted. Then I thought, one of these days you will lose it and leave me. Your patience will fail you and I see myself, homeless, alone in the alley, hungry, dirty.

Si Foxxy na naka-ribbon. Kasing kikay, at kasing cute ni @Aiko Tanaka !

When I was riding a jeep home one day, I was thinking of that one phone call. What came to my mind surprised me, suddenly, I was thinking of leaving home. Thinking of a college offering a scholarship for working students. Thinking of a place where I can stay. Weighing my choices. Then, I thought of Mama; You, Foxxy and all my friends. All the things, I WOULD LOOSE if my thoughts came alive. How could I live without all I have? Not the material things but the people who have been with me. I thought, I cannot go back once I left. I cannot see you all just like that. Where do I start with that new life? Where do I get the money to survive? How do I get that money?

Pa, I’m not doing so well in Biology. Now, I want to say that I want to shift. I really do. I bit off more than I could chew. I thought that if I do well in Bio and became a doctor someday, you will be proud of me and all my trespasses will be forgiven. Even if you transfer me to another school, as long as I will be taking up Mass Communications, then fine by me. That’s what I really want to do. I know it’s not a course that will raise me up on the highest bar of the social pedestal. YET I know in my heart that taking this course will make me happy.

Another confession: I want to be a born again Christian. No one influenced me, one day, I attended one of their “mass” and I felt the goosebumps. It was the good kind of goosebumps. With the pastor’s words, the band music playing: I sang along and realized for the first time in my life that I AM NOT ALONE and that GOD was always with me. Going to church, as a Roman Catholic, I felt really weary and that the mass was always identical. I can say what the priest is saying; I say his words with him as the mass goes on. Unlike in the Born Again mass wherein I get to listen to music and reflect.

But if you do not agree with my wanting to shift or become a Born Again Christian, then I will obey whatever you ask of me.

I have always been stubborn and disobedient. Now, I am ready to be the opposite. I frankly declare that my whole life was immersed in Envy, Pride and Sloth. I want to change that. I want to renew myself and live happily under your rules. I want everyone to be proud of me. I want everyone to get along. I do not want to cause more ruckus. I no longer want to wallow in self-pity, feel like I’m all alone and be frustrated all the time.

You know I love you, Pa. I love Mama too. So much.

Another confession: The first time I felt self-pity was when you and Mama was shouting at each other one night. I cried myself to sleep, I had to hold ate Kim’s hand for me to be able to sleep. I thought. I WAS PITIFUL. That is where the history of my self-pity began.

I hated you. For hurting Mama. I hated the two of you for ruining my perfect idea of a family. I hated you for the pride you were showing never realizing that anger was consuming my heart. I hated how our lives went on. Never having a closure. A wound I WILL CARRY WITH me for the rest of my life.

So, amidst your complicated status. I mean, your relationship with Mama. I will leave my thoughts aside. AND MOVE FORWARD for myself. I WILL CHANGE myself before I meddle in couple talk. I know that one day, everything will go back to the way it was. Everything will be okay. My wounds would heal. I will be okay. Our family will be okay. After 7 years ( I think) of worrying about the family thing, I’m finally letting go. Who am I to comment? I am just a child, lacking of experience and I am not the one undergoing the hardships. My hardships are measly, in comparison to what the adults undergo.

I do not want to immerse myself in negativity any longer. I want to go back to my old self, my pre-teen years when I was happy and cheerful. When all I had to think about was school and being with mama;relatives at home.

What else? Have I run out of things to say? I guess I never will.

If I could turn back the time and change everything. You know I would. But doing so, I will never be the BEA that I am today. I guess, that I am stronger now and more open-minded. I am no longer a hypocrite.

What are the rules in your household again? Please state them again. I will follow them all.

ALL I WANT is for you to be happy and be proud of me. To make something out of myself. Be happy. Be in a course or career that I’m truly interested in. Wherein I can be myself; excel at the same time. Be a PALACA in my own right. Not the PALACA who is just your daughter. I want to be known as BEA MARIE PALACA. Not by my family name.

I WANT TO PROVE ALL THE OTHERS WRONG and show that I will excel in what I choose to do. To be proud and confident in myself and not compare myself or be envious of others. In the end of the day, to sleep peacefully and with a peace of mind and HEART.

The phrase I CAN DO NO WRONG; will be, I CAN DO WRONG and there is still a place; people who will like me and welcome me no matter what.

AGAIN Papa, I LOVE YOU. Happy Birthday once again. : )

Love,

Bea